A dreary little socialist with left-wing adenoids and communistical hair cropped up on my social media feed this week to say that the only people in the crowds at Wimbledon were people who liked Wimbledon.
Yes, mate. In the same way that the only people in your local pub are people who like drinking.
I saw a social media loon complaining online about the fact that the only people in the crowds at Wimbledon were people who liked Wimbledon
Wimbledon is only so expensive because of how much money it costs to arrangeCredit: EPA
I think, however, he was trying to say that ticket prices are so high that ordinary tennis fans can’t afford to go.
Hmmm. Couple of points on that, mate.
First of all, these “ordinary tennis fans”. Who are they exactly?
Sure, there are plenty of football fans who can name every player in every European team.
And plenty of cricket fans who know the sport so comprehensively they can tell you who played silly mid-on for Warwickshire when they played Kent in 1954.
But who came third in this year’s Millennium Estoril Open?
Who was runner-up in the ladies’ final at the Srpska Open?
You don’t know, do you? No one does.
Because to almost everyone in this country, tennis players live like bats for 50 weeks of the year, and only emerge for a fortnight to play at Wimbledon.
Which brings us on to the next point.
Wimbledon itself.
It covers an area of 42 acres in London, which is one of the most expensive cities in the world.
There will always be stuff we can’t afford
So can you begin to imagine how much the club pays in council tax?
And what’s the wage bill for all those people who are needed to keep it painted and to make sure each blade of the perennial ryegrass on every one of the 18 courts is exactly 8mm long?
And the only opportunity they get for getting that money back is during the tournament in July.
That’s why they can’t sell tickets for 40p.
It’s the same story at Silverstone.
A weekend pass, with camping and food, is likely to set you back more than £1,000.
Because that’s how much money the circuit needs to stay open for the 51 weekends of the year when it isn’t hosting a Grand Prix.
The Cheltenham Gold Cup is expensive.
Especially if you have my luck at the bookies.
Aintree is also expensive.
And what would my mouth-breathing social media friend say about that?
That there are no racing fans at the Grand National?
Really? We just have to accept, I’m afraid, that some things in life are expensive and that there will always be stuff we can’t afford.
I would love, for example, to go into space but I recognise that a rocket is costly so I can’t realistically expect Sir Branson to sell me a ticket for £3.50.
All I can do is be happy for those who can afford to go.
In the same way I’m happy for Lottery winners and happy for people who win Love Island and happy for farmers whose spring barley is healthy this year.
Mine isn’t but why should that make me cross with those whose is
A Silverstone weekend pass, with camping and food, is likely to set fans back more than £1,000Credit: AFP
Loco-motives
I FLEW this week along the gigantic scar that’s been created to build the HS2 line.
And I simply could not believe how many roads it has to cross.
If I were the transport minister, I’d look at the enormity of the project and what still has to be done.
And give up.
THERE seems to be some debate at the moment about whether someone who’s born with gentlemen sex parts can enter a sporting competition for females, if he says he identifies as a woman.
Well, I was at Wimbledon this week, watching the heroically brilliant Ukrainian beer enthusiast Elina Svitolina beat the world number one.
Tennis star Elina Svitolina of Ukraine would hammer me 6-0, 6-0 in about four minutesCredit: EPA
The Sun suggested I’d fallen asleep during Elina’s match but I was mesmerisedCredit: Richard Pelham / The Sun
The Sun suggested the following day I’d fallen asleep during the match, but nothing could be further from the truth.
It was a mesmerising performance.
Spell-binding.
And all I could think as I watched those thunderous serves and lightning-fast reflexes is I could identify as a woman and turn up in a very fetching mini skirt, but she’d hammer me 6-0, 6-0 in about four minutes.
AS usual, my iPhone recently became unable to last for more than about four seconds before the battery goes flat (a warning for Tesla enthusiasts there) and the speaker became so clogged with dust that I couldn’t hear what anyone was saying to me.
“What’s a bunt?” I’d roar, after they finished speaking.
I therefore bought a new one and now even my hair is annoyed.
We are always told our new phone will exactly mimic the one it’s replacing.
But there’s always something that doesn’t hook up properly.
And you never discover what it is until after you’ve left the shop and got home.
This time? It’s the Bluetooth contacts.
They’ve all gone.
Which means I’m going to have to spend all of next week in my car trying to introduce it to the phone.
Which is harder than getting two four-year-olds who’ve never met to play nicely with one another.
Mascot mishaps
I WENT to the British Grand Prix last weekend with my local team Alpine and, despite having me as a mascot, it wasn’t their best race.
One car broke down and the other was punted into retirement by Lance Stroll.
I wrote afterwards to say thank you for the hospitality and have received a reply asking me never to join them again.
Maybe I should offer my mascot services to Red Bull.
I DECIDED recently to raffle the Mitsuoka Le-Seyde I used on a recent Grand Tour episode to raise funds for a mental health charity called The Mix.
So I parked it at the Diddly Squat farm shop and let our customers know they could buy tickets for £5.
I was planning on auctioning the Mitsuoka Le-Seyde I used on a recent episode of The Grand Tour for a mental health charity, but it was vandalised by three foolsCredit: Prime Video
Many have been very generous and bought lots, but three idiots decided that what they’d do instead is scrawl their names on the front wing.
I’d like to say it made me angry, but it didn’t really.
What it did do is make me sad.
AN Army major who attended his regiment’s formal dinner waited for his wife to go to bed and then, apparently, had sex with one guest in a nearby television room and another, shortly afterwards, in a mess bedroom.
He’s been suspended for this.
I suspect the army major who has been suspended following a raunchy affair is in line to be the next James BondCredit: Rex
But only, I suspect, because MI6 have plainly found the next James Bond.
EVERYONE is running about, waving their arms in the air because southern Europe has been gripped by a heatwave so severe, it’s been named Cerberus after the fearsome three-headed dog from Greek mythology.
Weather forecasters are predicting temperatures as high as 44 degrees and as a result, British holidaymakers planning on trips in the coming days are asking, “How will we breathe?”
The recent heatwave in Southern Europe has been named Cerberus after the fearsome three-headed dog from Greek mythologyCredit: Alamy
Well, relax.
I spent two weeks early this year working in Mauritania and every single day, the temperature was above 50C.
At night, it dropped to a still stifling 38.
And because this is a deeply Muslim country, we couldn’t cool off with a beer.
So we had to make do instead with something called “water”, and even though we were outside all day, with no shade, we were fine.
My message then is simple.
If it’s hot on your holiday, enjoy yourself.
Get a tan and come home happy and relaxed.