Not all intimate relationships have to be romantic. FWB, or friends with benefits, is a great option for those who aren’t looking for something serious but still want to have fun. However, as simple as this kind of relationship might appear, there are common pitfalls you should be aware of. Jumping into an FWB relationship too hastily can lead to ruin later on, potentially for everyone involved. Read on to learn what you should know about starting an FWB relationship.
Safety First
When it comes to sex of any kind, safety is priority number one, and an FWB relationship is no exception. And because you’re not in a committed, long-term relationship, there can be a sense of casualness that can lead to carelessness. It’s easy to get caught up in the fun and excitement and forget to make sure you and your partner are safe. Thankfully, there are two relatively simple things you can do to make sure your fling stays fun.
The first and most straightforward is to always make sure at least one of you is using birth control. Whether you use a pill, condom, IUD, or anything else, birth control will greatly reduce your risk of pregnancy. Condoms also help reduce any risk of STIs. Always have protection prepared, so you don’t even have to think twice when you’re ready to get down to it. The other thing to do is to get tested for STIs so you’re not just “pretty sure” you’re good. Ask your partner if they’ve been tested recently or if they’d be willing to if they haven’t.
Establish Boundaries From the Get-go
To have a healthy FWB relationship, you need to communicate. Many people fall into an FWB relationship without establishing boundaries from the outset. And while this kind of conversation may sound unsexy, it’s necessary to reduce the chance of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Always keep in mind the F in FWB — this isn’t a one-night stand, after all. This is an ongoing relationship with another human being, with their own complex emotions, desires, dreams, and history.
Spend some time and make a list of boundaries that you feel comfortable establishing. Be really clear about what you want out of this dynamic. Do you just want sex, or do you also want to go on dates, talk, and cuddle too? Just because you’re not in a committed long-term relationship doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy each other’s company beyond sex. You are still friends, after all, and you’ll never know if they want similar things too unless you ask! And, of course, after clearly delineating your boundaries, listen to your partner and find common ground to stand on.
Check In Regularly
People change over time, which means what someone wants out of your relationship can change too. It’s no secret that physical intimacy can lead to emotional intimacy over time. Think of how many stories over the course of history tell this tale again and again. So it’s important to make sure that you create space for those changes to be expressed. And now that you’ve established boundaries for everyone involved, it’s important that you check in regularly.
What regularly means varies from relationship to relationship, but generally, make sure you’re thinking proactively. It can be as simple as asking them, “Hey, we talked about these boundaries before, are they still working for you?” If anyone involved in the relationship starts to grow deeper feelings, they’ll have a space to express them. Like establishing boundaries, the goal of check-ins is to create an environment in which the people involved can thrive.
Have Fun!
This is where you get to finally emphasize the B in the FWB. You and your partner have clearly established what you want out of the relationship at the outset. Something you might talk about during check-in is whether or not the fun everyone’s looking for is actually fun. You’ll probably have a pretty good idea if it is, but again this is where checking in is important. This relationship should be to the benefit of everyone involved. Once people in the relationship feel that their boundaries are respected, they can really start enjoying it.
A great aspect of fun, sexual relationships based on communication is they can be a playground to try new things. Different positions, toys, locations, and attitudes are all on the table as long as they’re on your collective table. This is where communication becomes incredibly sexy, as everyone can ask for what they really want (or demand as the case may be). Because you’ve established boundaries for everyone on board, you can really let go, leaning into and enhancing the fun.
Remember Protection and Communication Before Fornication
Like any kind of relationship, friends with benefits dynamics have their common pitfalls. And, like most relationships, those pitfalls have to do with acting hastily and not communicating properly. There’s no denying that it can feel intimidating and even embarrassing to say what you really want from someone. But if the person you’re sleeping with doesn’t want to practice safe sex, do you really want to be with them anyways? Establish boundaries, practice safe sex, and, of course, enjoy yourself.
