EVEN the most perfect parent can feel a smidge of apprehension as the Easter holidays arrive.
Chocolate-fuelled children don’t make the calmest kids, and combine that with the terrible weather we’re expecting, you’ve got the perfect storm for a frantic fortnight.
Kate Silverton claims ‘there’s no such thing as a naughty child’Credit: Rex
Kate with husband Mike and their children Clemency and WilburCredit: Instagram
In these times of need it’s no surprise parents turn to self-help books to find out how to stop completely losing control at the end of a testing day.
However, former BBC anchor-turned child therapist Kate Silverton’s new offering has news that will send shockwaves through the parenting community.
The mum-of-two is claiming “there’s no such thing as naughty”.
Instead, she says, kids’ “big behaviour” — which adults interpret as being naughty — is actually a neurological response to stress or their surroundings.
She tells The Sun: “When the flight response is triggered, a child might run around in circles or run away from you.
“We often see a child in flight when they are nervous or afraid.
“It can be easy to dismiss this behaviour as ‘naughty’, but it’s a sign of a child whose brain senses danger and is compelling them to act.
“Big emotions like excitement, fear, shame, embarrassment, anger or boredom can all trigger fight or flight responses.
“If children feel threatened but their brain detects they cannot fight and they cannot flee, they might adopt the stress responses of freeze, faint or flop instead.”
When she walked down the aisle with husband Mike Heron in 2010, Kate had resigned herself to never being a mum after four gruelling rounds of IVF failed.
Incredibly she went on to conceive naturally, at the age of 40, and is now mum to Clemency, 12 and Wilbur, nine.
The miracle babies not only changed her life, but also her career path.
Four years ago she took the brave decision to quit her role as a BBC News anchor and retrain as a child therapist.
Kate, 53, who had already studied psychology at Durham University, says: “I was learning from all these incredible neuroscientists and psychiatrists and it was making my own children’s behaviour make sense.
“Leaving the BBC was a big decision, but it felt right for both me and my children.
“I wanted to be around in the school hours for my children, to be a present mum, and the hours I was doing in the newsroom weren’t conducive.”
Once a familiar face on our screens, Kate, who competed on Strictly in 2018, now works in schools counselling children who struggle emotionally or are dealing with complex trauma.
“I absolutely love it. It’s a privilege, and when you see children come through, it’s magical, life-changing,” she says.
“I have parents who will come and say, ‘What did you do? The tics have gone,’ or ‘The behaviour has improved’ and that’s magical.”
Kate on BBC News in 2005, with former co-star Simon McCoyCredit: Getty
Kate now works in schools counselling children who struggle emotionally or are dealing with complex traumaCredit: Getty
Her new book, There’s Still No Such Thing As Naughty, gives practical advice on handling “big behaviour” as well as explaining the neuroscience behind it, using clever imagery, comparing parts of the brain to a lizard, baboon and a wise owl.
Simple but effective advice includes sitting down with your children in the evening to “download your day” as well as “ten minute top-ups” with each child individually.
“It’s lovely for children to be able to offload and also hear what their parents have been doing, and wonderful conversations and life lessons come from that,” she says.
“Having dinner together is one easy thing.
“I know parents are working long hours, but trying to ring-fence that and say, ‘We’re going to sit down together’ is important.
“Also play is a really important part of childhood, and introducing ten minutes for each child where you have one-on-one, no screens, and play simple games, is a great way of connecting.
“The eye-to-eye contact and the release of oxytocin, the feelgood hormone, and the laughter that can come from ten minutes will lead to better behaviour.”
- There’s Still No Such Thing As Naughty, £14.99, published by Lagom Books, is available now.
HERE Kate shares her top tips to keep the kids — and you — calm these Easter holidays.
TALK to your children about the things that make you feel anxious, stressed or upset.
You will be surprised by the look of relief that crosses their face when they realise that you too feel overwhelmed at times.
USE an emotions wheel as a tool for teaching children about emotional literacy.
You can make one with your child at home or print one online and stick it on the wall.
A quick breezy before school “Ooh, OK, so which emotion best sums up how we’re feeling this morning?” can be a great way to start the day and allows you to discuss and hopefully alleviate your child of any worries or wobbles they might have.
Your child might prefer to use the wheel once they get home to tell you which emotion best summed up their day.
You might also use the wheel yourself.
Use humour if it feels right to do so.
Kate shares her top tips to keep the kids — and you — calm these Easter holidays
UNDERSTAND the big and painful statements — anger sits on top of fear and “I hate you” comes from a place of hurt and upset.
You can respond to big and painful statements.
If your child says, “I HATE you!” You might ask them: “What is it about Mummy/Daddy that you hate?”
If your child says, “I HOPE they DIE!” You can reply: “My love, what a big feeling! What is it that you want to stop?”
Using terms of endearment like “my love”, or “darling”, or a pet name you have for your child can really work to soothe.
WHEN our kids tell us something that evokes emotions that make us uncomfortable or awkward, try not to fall back on the following, which often can be traced back to our parents’ response when we were young.
Defend — We may seek to defend our reaction to something that has happened: “Don’t make this about me; you were just being ‘naughty’!” “Don’t shout at me. It’s not MY fault!”
Dismiss — Rather than acknowledging and exploring our children’s feelings, we may dismiss their concerns: “Don’t be silly! Of course I like you.” “You’re just imagining it.”
Diminish — We might even diminish our children, denying or invalidating their feelings: “Oh, come on! You’re too old to cry about that.”
Deny — Denial is a psychological defence mechanism that we may have inherited from our own parents. It can see us telling our children: “You are not upset, come on now.”
Use an emotions wheel as a tool for teaching children about emotional literacy
PHYSICAL games to play include pillow fights, throwing soft toys at a target, hide and seek, rolling on the floor, rolling your children up in a blanket and unrolling them again.
I LIKE to think of tears as flushing away all those stress and anxiety hormones, rather than leaving them in the body, stuck and stagnant.
WHEN our kids tell us they hate their teacher, friend or even us, these are the moments you need to be more OWL.
O — “Oh, sweetheart. Can you tell me more?” Or, “Oh, what happened?”
W — “I wonder what that was like for you?”
L — Lean in, Listen and show Love.
KINDNESS is a beautiful quality that, as parents, we all hope to see in our children.
But simply telling children to “be kind” without modelling kindness ourselves won’t work.
When our kids tell us they hate their teacher, friend or even us, these are the moments you need to be more OWLCredit: Getty
THROWING soft toys against a wall is a great way to release negative energy!
It is essential that your child chooses which toys to throw.
Exercises like these offer us an opportunity to experience a profound sense of connection.
SOMETIMES it’s just really helpful to know what to say when, and how to say it!
We don’t always have time to think when our children are upset or acting out, so the book contains several scripts and sentences to have up your sleeve.
These include asking open-ended questions, avoiding assumptions, and asking why?
Don’t impose your feelings on to your child, and apologise when you get it wrong to show them how to behave.
SIBLINGS have to share a lot. Spending ten minutes quality time one-to-one with each of your children can really help to minimise sibling rivalry.
DOSING up on our happiness hormones — dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphin, or DOSE for short!
They are released during activities like dancing, exercising, listening to music, or even just a cuddle — and counter the impact of toxic stress.
There’s Still No Such Thing As Naughty, £14.99, published by Lagom Books, is available now