6 Tips to Improve Communication as SEO

• If you’re arguing with a narcissist, being firm with your boundaries will help you stand your ground.
• You should also acknowledge their feelings because it may help soothe them.
• Don’t hesitate to step away if you need to step away from the conversation to gather your thoughts.

Arguing with a narcissist can be extremely difficult — people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) feel very little empathy for others and are often manipulative.

They may use tactics like turning the blame on you, gaslighting you, and resorting to disrespectful behavor. 

But if you need to get your point across, or just get out of the argument, there are a few key phrases you can use.

Here’s what you can say to a narcissist that can help set boundaries, calm them down, or just end the conversation.

How narcissists think

There are several strategies you can use that may work to de-escalate fights or arguments with a narcissist.

“Many of these strategies involve soothing the narcissist and taking charge of the narrative, instead of reacting defensively when attacked or gaslighted,” says Elinor Greenberg, a psychologist who specializes in personality disorders.

To communicate effectively, you need to consider how narcissists think — meaning what they value and will respond to.

What not to do:

• Don’t directly confront a narcissist: Pointing out that they are wrong or lying does not work, Greenberg says. You won’t change their view; the narcissist will just shift tactics.
• Don’t talk about your feelings: Because narcissists have a lack of compassion, this won’t get through to them.

What to do:

• Display empathy with their feelings. Even if you don’t really feel it, showing empathy can help de-escalate an argument and soothe the narcissist if they become aggressive.
• Make them feel heard: Narcissists like feeling important, so if you need them to calm down, it can help to show them that you’re listening and you value their perspective.
• Set clear boundaries: It’s important to ask a narcissist to respect boundaries by setting clear rules around how they are allowed to treat you. For example, you should insist that you will not stand for yelling or name-calling. If you do this, “you stand a greater chance of being treated better, and in the way we all deserve, with respect,” says Laurel Steinberg, a psychologist and relationship expert.

Phrases you can use in an argument

“There are no magical sets of words that work for every person with NPD. However, there are better and worse types of responses,” Greenberg says.

Here are a few phrases you can try when you’re stuck in an argument with a narcissist.

1. “I don’t agree with that. This is not my fault.”

Narcissists will often try to manipulate a conversation by turning the blame on you — even for things that are clearly their fault.

For example, they might forget to set their morning alarm and wake up late, but then say it’s your fault for not reminding them.

“If you do not believe that you are to blame for something, never agree with that assessment,” Steinberg says.

You may be in for an exhausting argument, but the boundary is important — if a narcissist can’t get you to accept the blame, “this makes it less likely that they will try this tactic in the future,” Steinberg says.

2. “I hear what you’re saying, and that must have been painful/disappointing“

This is another key way to avoid playing the blame game with a narcissist.

Instead of arguing when the narcissist points a finger at you, “you make an empathic statement that tries to capture what you think the narcissist is feeling,” Greenberg says.

Using the morning alarm example, you might say, “it must have been so disappointing to find that your alarm didn’t go off,” or “it must have been so painful to be late to work again.”

Narcissists find empathy soothing, Greenberg says, so you might be able to deescalate the argument and calm their anger.

It may feel frustrating to show the narcissist sympathy, but, “nothing you say is going to change their point of view or behavior, it’s about you knowing that you are not to blame, and just putting a bow on the conversation and letting it go,” says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and expert on narcissistic relationships.

3. “I can see this is important to you, and it’s hard for me to focus on your message when you’re yelling. Please tell me again in a quieter tone so I can hear what you want.”

If a narcissist raises their voice at you, it’s important to set a clear boundary. “You don’t want to reinforce that it’s okay for someone to yell or swear at you. It isn’t,” Steinberg says.

This phrase works because it focuses on what the narcissist wants and feels but avoids blaming, shaming, or judging them — which could provoke an even more extreme reaction.

You’re also promising to listen to what the narcissist wants, which can be soothing for them, but still keeping it vague. This can lower the intensity of the argument and help you avoid the trap of promising to do something specific out of immediate pressure or fear.

For example, you don’t want to accidentally commit to waking the narcissist up every morning at seven and driving them to work so they’ll arrive on time.

4. “I guess we don’t agree” or “We are having different experiences.” 

Narcissists will often try to gaslight you — or make you feel like your memories or perceptions of reality are wrong.

For example, if you tell a narcissist you don’t like the way they yelled at you in front of your friends, they may simply say “that never happened” or “you’re crazy.”

Keep in mind that you won’t be able to convince the narcissist you’re right, no matter how much evidence you have.

“Pushing back or holding your ground in these conversations is more about knowing what gaslighting is, holding on to your reality, not trying to convince them of your reality,” Durvasula says.

5. “You’ve given me a lot to think about — I’m going to take a minute to gather my thoughts.” 

Arguing with a narcissist can be frustrating and exhausting — you may start to feel overwhelmed or upset and need to take a break.

Be warned — it’s possible that the narcissist might “make fun of you, minimize you, may even accuse you of being weak or walking away from a fight,” Durvasula says.

But in spite of any backlash, it’s still important to take a break from the argument because it gives your nervous system a minute to rest and feel safe, Durvasula says.

After taking a break, you may be “better able to hold space for yourself in a stronger manner,” Durvasula says. 

In a pinch, you can also go with a simpler option and just say, “I need to use the bathroom.”

6. “I hear what you’re saying. We aren’t talking about that right now, but we can after we talk about _____.”

Narcissists will often try to redirect the conversation if they feel like they’re being criticized or they don’t like what’s being said.

In many cases, this redirection will go toward putting you down or blaming you for something.

“Work on one thing at a time and refuse to get into conversations that lean towards characterizing you as being a bad person,” Steinberg says.

Showing the narcissist that you’re listening and offering to address their new issue afterward may help temper their reaction, while still setting a boundary about the conversation.

Be aware that the narcissist may also bring up new topics to try to confuse you.

“In these conversations I recommend that people have a pen and paper so they can ensure they don’t lose the plot on the original line of conversation,” Durvasula says.

Insider’s takeaway

Arguing with a narcissist is going to be tough no matter what — “be prepared to be called passive aggressive, pompous, hear things like ‘oh did your therapist tell you to say that?'” Durvasula says.

But even if the narcissist doesn’t like it, using specific phrases like these can help you set boundaries, hold onto your own reality, and take a break if you need to.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and you feel unsafe arguing with them probably isn’t the best idea. Instead, you can reach out to the national domestic hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit their website.