“Separate Beds: How It’s Improved Our Marriage”

We rarely fall asleep side-by-side (Picture: Samuel Sims)

My husband, Jay, and I finished whatever TV show we were bingeing, said goodnight and then went our separate ways – he to his bedroom, me to mine.

Climbing under the covers alone, I turned the lamp on and picked up a book – continuing to plough through without worrying whether the light would disrupt my partner. When I felt my eyelids starting to get heavy, I got myself comfy and drifted off almost instantly.

The next morning, when I rolled over, I wasn’t next to Jay – but I’d had a peaceful night’s rest.

We don’t go to sleep together and haven’t done so for a while now. But, despite what you might think, there’s absolutely nothing with our marriage – in fact we’re stronger than ever. If anything, snoozing in separate beds has probably improved our relationship.

When I met Jay 12 years ago, we instantly took to bed sharing. Totally normal, right?

Whether it was alternating between his place in one part of London or mine, there we would be, in each other’s space and thinking nothing of it. We didn’t have the luxury of having more than one room to slumber in, but we wouldn’t have wanted to anyway.

During our honeymoon period, we weren’t getting a lot of it to be honest – using the bed for other more naked reasons. 

Nowadays, we rarely nod off side-by-side. 

Once a couple has been together substantially longer than the initial exciting stages of a relationship, should they still share a bed? Up until recently, I probably would have said yes. Now, however, I feel very differently. 

Jay and I are currently living in a house with three bedrooms – two of which are doubles. We moved back to my hometown in Hull after the pandemic because being in London is just too expensive. Here, the rent is far cheaper – a big house costs significantly less than our old one-bed in Woolwich.

Sleeping in separate beds is one of the best decisions we’ve ever made (Picture: Esme Whiteside Photography)

A few months ago, Jay had a cold so was snoring, something he didn’t often do. We’re both light sleepers so I decided that in the middle of the night, and as a matter of urgency, I would leave and go into the other double bedroom.

I slept really well that night but it was never, at that point, meant to be a permanent thing. I joked the next morning that it could be, which Jay wasn’t exactly happy about. He worried that it might affect our relationship and we wouldn’t be as close.

Nevertheless, I caught some Zs away from him again until he got over his cold. But when I later returned, I found it very difficult to doze off – every small sound Jay made put me on edge. So I had to return to the other bedroom. 

It’s been several months now and I’m still in there.

I think it’s one of the best decisions we’ve ever made and I can’t believe more couples don’t follow suit, if they’re lucky enough to have additional bedrooms, of course. I can read in bed or watch TV till late. 

And surely everyone sleeps better when they’re not next to another person? You don’t have to worry about snoring or heavy breathing, you can spread out more, as well as go to bed at different times without fear of waking the other. 

I definitely feel more rested now and after months apart from each other, if Jay and I go away somewhere and we have to share a bed, I really struggle with it. Not because of him, as he doesn’t even really snore, but I’ve become so used to silence that I can’t switch off if I even hear him breathing. I can’t drift off at all and feel awful the next day. 

When we’ve told friends and family about our arrangements, they instantly wonder if something disastrous has happened. ‘Have you had a big fight and can’t stand to be in the same room as each other?’, one family member asked Jay worryingly.

The comment got to me and I worried that perhaps it was weird that we slept separately when nobody else I know did. Ultimately though, we both feel more rested and we’re good as a couple so I let it go. It doesn’t matter what anyone outside of our relationship thinks. 

Though Jay was initially unhappy when I joked about sleeping separately, he admitted quite quickly that he had a much better night’s kip without me randomly screeching next to him. Now, it’s something we both do and are happy with. 

We’re conditioned to believe that not sharing a bed equals trouble in the relationship. I’m sure it often does, but if it’s not right for you as a couple, then you shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it. 

Especially as studies as recently as 2016 showing that sleep issues and relationship problems tend to occur simultaneously. 

This makes complete sense to me. If your partner is, say, snoring all night and you can’t shut them up, then you’re bound to feel resentful. This then builds up. Rest is a very precious thing and if we don’t get it then obviously we’re going to be grouchy and become rundown. 

I know I feel resentful if Jay snores, despite knowing full well it isn’t his fault. He, in turn, gets annoyed when I talk in my sleep. Taking away these negative feelings has been so good for us. 

Jay has, however, said that he would like us to occasionally go to bed together – even if it’s the odd weekend. He thinks there is a level of intimacy involved that we now don’t have.

I’m not sure I agree. When we’re in bed together we’re just unconscious – that’s just how we are. We’re still intimate together – we go out to the cinema, have date nights, but if he wants a change, then I’m willing to compromise. 

I can’t see us permanently sharing a bed again in the future unless we have to, whether it’s because we move into a smaller place, have people over, or go away somewhere. That’s all out of necessity.

We’re better now that we’re in separate rooms and our relationship is good, so why would we? If anything, more couples should do the same – if they have the option to. 

If you can, then I urge you, try sleeping in separate rooms. It will change your life but hopefully not your relationship – it hasn’t mine.