Dating can be a minefield, with 84% of us wishing our online matches were more ‘authentic’.
Former Facebook psychiatrist Dr Mimi Winsberg decodes early relationship messages so you can weed out the bad eggs.
Dating can be a minefield
Former Facebook psychiatrist Dr Mimi Winsberg decodes early relationship messages
WHILE we normally rely on awkward body language and face-to-face answers to spot lies, there are tell-tale signs of deception over text too.
Dr Mimi says: “When people are aligned with their own statements or opinions, they will use ‘I’ or ‘me’.
“With lies, the texter will stand back from the lie, distance themself from it. This may include dropping the first-person pronoun altogether.”
Dodging the question is another clear sign of dishonesty, she says. While starting a chat with, “I’m not going to lie . . . ”, “To be honest . . . ” or “I swear . . . ” indicates deceit.
She adds: “Liars tend to use more words in their texts, not to mention non-committal terms such as ‘maybe’ or ‘sure’.”
IT might seem like you’ve found your perfect match, but getting serious too quickly can lead to your match becoming aloof a few months down the line.
Dr Mimi labels this “instamacy”. Look out for messages where they discuss the future in a worried or disappointed way.
She says: “Rushing into a relationship without a stronger foundation rarely lends itself to stability, and instant infatuation is likely to disappoint.
“While it may feel seductive or reassuring in the moment, it can be a red flag for problematic attachment in the future.
“It’s the text equivalent of a drunken stranger pouring out their heart to you in a bar. Finish your drink and walk away.
“People who display instamacy are pleasers, can lack boundaries and may revert to an anxious or avoidant pattern.”
THERE’S a fine line between taking the lead and being a control freak, so it’s important to spot the difference after matching with a potential partner.
One tell-tale sign your match could be controlling is when they presume you will be going on a date, without even asking if you are interested.
Dr Mimi says: “Some find assertiveness attractive, but it is easily confused with controlling.
“Assertiveness is the ability to shape one’s own actions. Attempting to control the actions of another isn’t assertive, it’s aggressive.
“A lack of flexibility or a desire to control in an early text exchange is often a red flag.”
THE emojis people choose say a lot. Those high in neuroticism — being particularly uptight — prefer the exaggerated facial expressions of the crying emoji, upside-down smiley face or crosses as eyes.
Dr Mimi says: “They experience negative effects including anger, anxiety, self-consciousness, irritability.”
On the other hand, extroverts, for example, often use the thumbs-up and wink.
Assertiveness is the ability to shape one’s own actions. Attempting to control the actions of another isn’t assertive, it’s aggressive.
Dr Mimi Winsberg
REVEALING too much information — or TMI — can be a major turn-off for online daters and can even be a sign that they will always look out for number one.
Dr Mimi says: “No one wants to have their date cry on the first date and no one wants TMI in the first text thread.
“Someone offering TMI may seem to be revealing details about themselves, but what they’re actually revealing is someone who is likely needy, anxious or self-centred.”
Watch out for those who discuss health issues, their parents, career or other big life events too quickly without asking you a question back.
DR MIMI refers to emojis as “the frozen food of language”, rather than “language cooked from scratch”. In other words, they can be used as shortcuts to say what we feel.
Dr Mimi says: “A large-scale study out of the University of Rochester (New York) showed that frequent users of emojis have low extroversion scores — with introverts using emojis the most.”
JUST like emojis, punctuation marks can reveal a lot about a person.
For example, sticking to rigid convention like using full stops at the end of every sentence can suggest your match is very particular.
Dr Mimi says: “They are picky people — maybe a tad overweening.
“They are adhering to their own standards and values, probably more willing to confront social norms with their own individual style.
“As we ourselves get closer to such types and grow to love them, we may be influenced by their style.”
NOTICING the type of compliments your match gives you can reveal how they really think.
Dr Mimi says: “When a man texts, ‘You’re hot’, he’s sending a literal compliment.
“If he writes, ‘Your eyes are a sea of blue’, he’s using metaphor.
“Men who favour metaphorical compliments targeting appearance speak a language of love that women generally understand.
“Women find men who produce such compliments more intelligent, and they are more likely to seek intimacy with them.”
CHOOSE the words you use carefully — because they say a lot about a person’s personality type.
Dr Mimi says: “Word choice can be telling. Even single-word analysis is interesting — extroverts use the word ‘mouth’ more frequently, along with ‘drinks’, ‘other’, ‘restaurant’, and ‘dancing’.
“They tend to be more outgoing, amicable and assertive. Friendly and energetic, extroverts will draw inspiration from social situations.”
In other words, they are the life and soul of a party.
Input your search keywords and press Enter.
