‘After much drinking and mingling, we went back to his flat…’ (Picture: Myles Goode/Metro Illustrations)
Gillian, co-founder of dating app BARE, split up with her long-term partner at the start of lockdown 2.0.
She is bisexual and previously had polyamorous relationships, having always enjoyed ‘a very open sex life’ and ‘what most people would consider an alternate lifestyle’, going to fetish and ‘play’ parties, and he’d like her sex life post-breakup to be like that again.
In her last relationship, her ex would usually be the one to initiate sex, but since becoming single, Gillian, 41, has found herself and grown more sexually confident.
However, she’s still having trouble disentangling herself from her ex emotionally and physically.
In fact, they recently met up to have a chat – the details of which Gillian gets into ahead…
I’ve found myself thinking a lot about sex over the past couple of weeks.
I’m still finding myself torn between thinking about my former partner and more recently wanting to meet someone new.
We have seen each other a few times, and I’m finding my mind wandering back to him.
The weather is improving and with lockdown lifting I’m finding myself bouncing around London again.
Not a very sexy day, but not a loss by any means as I spent it seeing friends and finally visiting art exhibitions.
I’m trying to focus on regaining my lockdown fitness, which is helping me to not think about the lack of sex in my life.
At least I’ll be looking good when I do finally get naked with someone.
To make my single situation worse, my kittens have now decided that they do not like the sound of my vibrating wand!
I think they view it as a threat to my undivided attention.
They bounce around my head in an attempt to find the source of disturbance.
I’m definitely starting to feel frustrated.
I think this is also being triggered by the fact that I’m meeting up with my ex tomorrow evening to discuss where things are between us.
We have seen each other a few times lately, and I’m finding it all really confusing.
I met up with my ex at a lovely pub and sat outside drinking rosé. We both seem to be stuck in limbo, not able to go back yet at the same time not able to let go.
All our attempts to discuss this with any level of reasonability end with bickering. We’re still trying to each gain an understanding of all the hurt.
We moved to another bar and had a couple of shots of tequila – a frequent occurrence for us in the past.
He then received a message from his sister, who asked us to join her and a friend at The Groucho Club.
After much drinking and mingling, we went back to his flat and had sex.
I’ve been trying to process this on many levels – it felt familiar and awkward at the same time.
We both seem to be in the same place as before, so I’m not sure if this was a good idea or not.
We are yet to discuss where we are both at emotionally. We have pencilled in a day to discuss this further.
No sex today, although technically I was having sex in the early hours of the morning.
I felt like I needed more even as I was leaving my ex’s flat today. I definitely notice that the more sex I have in my life, the more I need.
Having a partner to help me get back to being able to be free to explore my sexuality is a large part of my life.
It’s not something that I’m willing to give up, whether that partner is my former lover or a new one.
How I Do It
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